Something Not Here
by manitilde
Summary: For more than seventeen days he had known something was wrong and he did nothing. He could see that she was in trouble, any idiot could, and he was supposed to be a genius. What good was an IQ of 187 if he couldn't even save a friend?


The time off was necessary, he knew, but wished it wasn't. He needed to keep working. To keep his mind busy, so that his thoughts wouldn't center solely on her.

For days, Reid had spent all of his time on his couch with the blinds shut. His headaches had gotten worse and any bit of light brought on painful migraines. Clutching his head, he groaned wishing that he could trust himself to take something stronger that the over the counter medication he had dug out of his bathroom cabinet. The scratches on his forearm were still raw from his latest reminder of why he couldn't.

Reid rubbed at his eyes, trying to simultaneously push away his headache and get rid of his fatigue. He hadn't been able to sleep properly since that night at the hospital. He hadn't actually seen the body since JJ had stopped him in the hall, but that didn't stop his mind from coming up with an image all his own. The ME report said that she had been impaled by a wooden stake and, unfortunately, Reid had seen his fair share of impaled bodies and stabbings to fill in the blanks.

Grabbing his head with both hands, he tried to banish those thoughts and images. He tried instead composing a letter to his mother since he hadn't written to her in a couple days, but he couldn't come up with anything to say that didn't lead back to her.

Frustrated, he leaned his head back on the couch, fatigue catching up with him.

His eyes closed, Reid could feel the cushion next to him depress. Her voice rang out clearly in his silent apartment.

"Spencer, look at me," she said placing her hands over his.

He can't look her.

With his head down he said, "You never call me Spencer."

"Reid, I need you to listen to me," she continues.

He stays silent.

"What happened to me was not your fault. I was my decision and I would do it again."

_Do you hear me? Thank you._

He knows the words, he's heard them replayed over and over again in his mind, and he knows without a doubt that Emily would be telling him the same thing if she were still…

"You can't. You died," he tells her, slightly petulant.

"But if I could do it again, I would," she insists firmly.

"But you'll never _do_ anything again!" Reid screams, and suddenly they're both standing.

"You died Emily! You're dead and gone and I didn't even say goodbye!"

For a moment all that could be heard was Reid's heavy breathing.

"Say it now then," Emily says quietly.

"What?" Reid asked.

"Say goodbye. That's what you wanted, right? A chance to say it. Here it is."

She wasn't accusing him, but Reid couldn't help but feel apologetic.

Softly, he said, "I don't want to say goodbye." He sat back down on the couch and Emily fell down next to him.

Looking at his hands, he said, "If I say it, you might leave." Again. It was left unspoken, but the words could be felt hanging in the air nonetheless. For a moment there was silence and Reid was afraid to look up and see that she had gone.

She hadn't.

"Believe me when I say that if I could have done anything, and I mean anything, else to protect you guys, I would have. I did what I had to do to keep you alive." Taking his hands again, she continued, "But Reid, you have my word that I will never leave you again. Not until you want me to."

"You can't promise that."

She looked at him before pulling on his hands. "It's late. You should get some sleep."

Reid let himself be dragged into his bedroom and dropped on his bed. His hands moved to remove his tie (which he had worn out of habit) while he kept his eye on Emily standing in from of him.

"Reid. You're staring."

"I'm sorry. I just—"

"You think I'm going to disappear." It wasn't a question.

Reid nodded.

Emily smiled softly before getting in bed next to him. Laying back she said, "I already told you. I'm not leaving until you tell me to."

"But…"

"Reid," Emily said, pulling him down towards her, "go to sleep."

Laying back next to her, Reid nodded and took comfort in the warmth next to him.


End file.
